Kinda Funny

 About 15 years ago I started having pain in my right hip, that progressed to hip replacement surgery.  And here we go again, only on the other side. Right now I'm taking pain medication and limping around with the help of a cane. Scheduled for surgery in a few weeks.  As luck would have it, the Boss fell and broke one of her ribs. A fine pair we make. Kinda funny isn't it.

A Little Humor

Fantastic

President-elect Donald Trump has announced that he now has all the materials necessary to build the promised wall along the Mexican border.

When he won the election, 60+ million Democrats shit a brick....

 

Stolen from Kevin

Dog Eyes

Showed the Boss pictures of T-shirts that look like faces of dogs.
Boss - Looks like something a man would wear.
Me - Not if the dog eyes are in the right place.  I guy can say, I am looking at your eyes.
Boss - Hit me on the shoulder.

Funny - Sad - True

This was mailed to me.

 

Medicare Part G

Say you're an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself.  The government says there's no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do?  You opt for Part G.

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun (Part G) and four bullets. You are allowed to shoot four politicians.  This means, of course, that you'll be sent to prison where you'll receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating & air conditioning, cable TV, library, and all the Health Care you need.  Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart?  They're all covered.

At Least a Grin

Now that's sick, but very funny right there.

I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I noticed a Muslim, sneaking through my next door neighbor's garden.

Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.

He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it. Astonished I got back into bed.

My wife said, "you're shaking, what is it?

"You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said, "that son of a bitch next door still has my shovel."

Apple Pie . . . . mmmmmm

Apple Pie air freshener.

In the bathroom at work.

This means that when I run in to pee between clients, I start gagging because it smells like someone took a dump on a freshly-baked apple pie.

This is even worse than pine-scented air freshener. Because sometimes you do poop in the woods, but I hope to God nobody shits on apple pie...it would be un-American!

Lucrative Pain

The Boss Said

If guns kill people, how does anybody get out of a gun show alive?

Smart Kid

A little story/joke sent to me via e-mail.

 

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her,

 

What day is tomorrow?"

 

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!"

 

She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?"

 

I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc.

 

She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the

White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Shit."

 

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!

Turkey Sense

On the way home from work this week, I saw a flock of something close to 30 turkeys.  At first I thought I had somehow been transported to DC.  But after seeing them 3 days in a row, I realized that my DC theory just had to be wrong.  Wild turkeys have a higher IQ than politicians.

Humor or Reality ?

An e-mail contained this little bit of reality-humor.  Worth sharing.

I just received an audit on my tax return for 2012 back from the IRS.
It puzzles me!!! They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I
guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all
dependents?" I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack
heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people
in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico ; and 535 persons in the U.S.
House and Senate." 1 useless President. Evidently, this was NOT an
acceptable answer. I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO The Heck DID I MISS?

Yep

via e-mail;

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

Screen potential gun buyers

Of the new laws the gun-grabbers want to pass, there is one part that I support.  How about screening potential gun buyers regards their presidential ballot.  It' obvious that those who voted for Obama are too stupid to be a gun owner.  I wouldn't trust them with a paintball gun, let alone a firearm.

Origin of the Meaning of the Left and the Right!

Sent to me via e-mail:

I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called the "right"
and Liberals are called the "left."

By chance I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible:

"The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to
the left." Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIB)

Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen.

Can't get any simpler than that.

And now for a Spelling Lesson...

The last four letters in American..........I Can
The last four letters in Republican.......I Can
The last four letters in Democrats........RatsEnd of lesson. Test to follow in November, 2012.

Just a Thought

You don't need a parachute to sky dive.
You need a parachute if you want to do it again.

Heard that somewhere recently.

Oldies in the Military

My little sister sent me this, written by someone else.
Enjoy.  I did.

You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.  Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.  You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier.        'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We  are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that  desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up     killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them.  In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.  We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're  used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course  however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I  ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty  girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has  a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his  head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to  learn a little more about life before sending them off  into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind  them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50 in menopause!!! You think men have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first  night!

At Work Yesterday

A coworker and I were verbally harassing each other, as we usually do, just for fun. At one point it went something like this.

Me : It's a good thing for you I'm not armed.

Mr X : Wouldn't it be humorous if we both burst out the door heading to our respective trucks trying to get to our gun before the other?

Me : Yeah, but I can't run, so you'd get yours first.

Mr X : Maybe, but with cigarette smoking for years, I'd be so out of breath that I wouldn't be able to keep the front site on you.

Me : Well . . . . I suppose we'll just have to stick to verbal daggers.

One must be careful about who can hear playful conversations like this. I'm sure management would take it way too seriously.

Strange Warning

On the box of Iron Out it says.

For use in toilet tanks only. Bowl water not harmful to children or pets. However, it is not recommended that pets regularly drink water from the toilet.

So they either have no opinion, or think it's just fine if children regularly drink from the toilet.

Vocabulary Increase

A new word, for me at least. via e-mail, and not verified

Ineptocracy (in-ep-toc'-ra-cy) - a system of government where the least capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing, and where the members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed, are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers.

Smelly

I just read a short story on one o the news sites where, reportedly, Sacramento has hundreds of skunks wandering around looking for mates. Seems to me the furry critters would find plenty of candidates if they migrated to DC.